


If Only For Memories

by corvus_corvus



Series: LaviYuu Week 2018 [2]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Dreams, Lavi-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:39:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvus_corvus/pseuds/corvus_corvus
Summary: Whatever it is between them, it remains out of reach.





	If Only For Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for LaviYuu week 2018 Day 2. The prompts I ended up incorporating were fog, out of reach, and mystery. When I finished writing this, all I could say is, "It's not terrible." I really struggled with this prompt, but I'm glad to have something to give to you all.

He’s in his dreams now. Every day. Lavi’s eyes close at night, during an afternoon nap, in a morning daydream, and he sees a person with long, dark hair and the controlled stance of a warrior surrounded by cold fog. He only ever sees them from the back, but to Lavi there’s no question who it is. It’s Kanda Yuu, his hot temper, his cutting glare, his low voice.

Lavi thinks he’s going to die.

It’s not that the subject of his obsession is a man—that is neither here nor there—so much as it is about the fact that he is obsessed. He doesn’t really like people. Ever. But he can’t think of any more accurate word to describe the way he dreams about how Kanda’s voice sounds when he threatens him even though they both know Kanda doesn’t mean it. The sound gives him chills, and twists his stomach into a warm mess that leaves him breathing heavier than he’d like to admit. 

It’s awful.  
___

There’s something to be said about the role of mystery. Seeing him shrouded by fog only seems to fit with how little Lavi really knows about this man and how much that fact bothers him. Sure he knows a name, but Lavi is used to knowing so much more. Is used to nitpicking, dissecting, predicting people with all the knowledge he accumulates from behind a smiling face. Kanda Yuu has broken this pattern, and it puts Lavi off balance. He used to think it was just frustration, but the way Kanda lingers in his dreams and messes with his head almost feels like something else. Something more dangerous. Something like longing. Lavi knocks that thought out of his head as soon as it comes along.

Who is Kanda Yuu really? Where does he come from? Why is he here? Lavi keeps questioning but Kanda doesn’t tell. Not knowing makes him anxious, and Lavi feels more anxious than he has in years. It’s a feeling of drowning in something heavy but slick, like oil, blocking out light and filling his nose and mouth with death. He dreads it. Kanda’s presence and Lavi’s own traitorous mind seem to have twisted it from dread to thrill. Thrill at the mystery, the curiosity, the anticipation of their conversations that bring more questions than answers. Lavi is forced to wonder if he’s become a kind of junkie who gets his kicks from the way Kanda Yuu dodges his questions so boldly, unapologetic.

One night, the dream shifts. It’s not just the voyeuristic take-your-breath-away sensation of Lavi watching the beautiful man in the fog, Lavi is there. He moves toward the figure slowly at first, yet when he doesn’t get any closer he breaks out into a run, Kanda just as far away as when he started. Breathless and anxious, Lavi runs faster, suddenly desperate. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if he can’t get closer to Kanda because it feels like he’s just going to disintegrate. Fade away and fall apart in the unidentified emotions he’s somehow developed for this thoroughly unlikable man.

Like an animation that skips a few frames, dream logic suddenly puts Lavi right in front Kanda, lungs still heaving for air like he’d been running for hours. Lavi reaches out, but Kanda remains too far away and too close all at once. Lavi’s eye widens when Kanda makes eye contact with him, leans forward, and oh god Lavi didn’t even know how badly he wanted to kiss him until this very moment. Blushing, panicking, Lavi leans forward, just millimeters away from Kanda’s lips before he wakes up and it’s gone. Even in reality he is breathing hard, and his heart is pounding, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt this invested in kissing someone before. 

Oh, Lavi thinks in an out of place moment of clarity, so that’s what this is all about.  
___

So when they are on a mission months later in a coastal city where the fog rolls in with the evening current, Lavi knows this can’t go well. And he’s right, because as soon as he sees Kanda’s silhouette moonlit and surrounded by fog he feels like he’s going to die of pining after this man. When Kanda turns back to look at why he’s lagging behind, Lavi learns that not only is he going to die, but it is going to be a slow painful death at the mercy of Kanda’s dark eyes.

“If you don’t move, I’m just going to leave you behind. I have better things to do than wait around for you.” Being threatened by Kanda rings too true to his dreams and Lavi doesn’t know how to handle it. He catches up with Kanda as an attempt to act natural all while wondering how visible blush is in the moonlight. With his luck, Kanda can see his red face just fine.  
___

Post battle is always messy in one sense, but clean in a quiet post-storm kind of way. It is in the still moments after battle, Innocence retrieved and ready to go home, that Lavi takes a deep breath and risks a look at Kanda again. The vicious strength in Kanda’s posture is beginning to settle into a more comfortable level of disciplined; the power he radiates is no surprise yet stunning all the same. Lavi looks on in awe. It’s an objectively bad choice, but he manages to enjoy it. Then Kanda catches him staring. His stomach sinks. 

“What do you keep looking at?” Confrontational. Aggressive. To the point. These words do not invite Lavi’s honesty though they demand it all the same. Lavi opts for the safe choice: a lie. 

“You’ve got some Akuma guts on your face. It’s gross.” A terrible lie. Passable at best. Kanda keeps scrutinizing Lavi, looking for a tell so he can call him out and demand the truth. Instead of accusations, Lavi shocks the both of them when he walks toward Kanda, reaching out to brush imaginary debris off Kanda’s cheekbone.

Kanda is frozen and Lavi almost thinks it’s going to happen, that he’s going to finally have contact with this man that isn’t yelling or fighting or something violent. At the last moment, Kanda jerks away from his hand, but he only stays a few millimeters away. It’s not far enough to be convincing. Lavi thinks he almost sees something in Kanda’s eyes, and then he hears him gasp and he’s oh so sure there is something there. Kanda abruptly turns and walks away from him and it’s gone. Shivering in the fog, Lavi watches him fade away.

Whatever it is between them, it remains out of reach.


End file.
